Why Does a Narcissist Always Keep Their Ex Around?

You’ve finally started dating someone new. Things are exciting, passionate—until you realize there’s a shadow lurking in the background: their ex. 

At first, it seems harmless. 

“We’re just friends,” they insist. 

But something feels… off. The ex is always there, subtly woven into your relationship. They text at odd hours, like every single social media post, and somehow, they seem to know things about your relationship that aren’t public knowledge.

It’s frustrating. It’s confusing. It’s anxiety-inducing. 

You start to think to yourself: Why won’t they just cut ties? Why does this ex still have such a strong presence?

If you’re dating a narcissist, the answer isn’t about closure or friendship—it’s about control.

The Role of a Narcissist’s Ex

For a narcissist, an ex isn’t someone from the past. Instead, they’re a pawn in their endless game of validation and power. 

“A narcissist doesn’t seek closure from their relationships,” shares Brianna McCabe, author of The Red Flags I’ve (Repeatedly) Ignored. “They seek access.”

According to McCabe, here are four reasons narcissists enjoy keeping their ex around: 

1. A Built-In Safety Net

Narcissists don’t truly believe in emotional intimacy. Instead, they collect people who serve a purpose—whether that’s for admiration, attention, or as a backup plan.

“A narcissist’s ex isn’t an ex in the way most people think,” explains McCabe. “They’re more like an old favorite jacket—worn, familiar, and always there when needed.”

This is why no matter how much time has passed, their ex never fully disappears. They’re a safety net, someone the narcissist can fall back on if they’re feeling lonely, rejected, or bored.

2. A Weapon to Create Jealousy

Have you ever noticed how a narcissist loves to bring up their ex? Maybe they casually mention how attractive they still are. Maybe they compare you—just subtly enough to make you question yourself. Or perhaps they let slip that their ex “still wants them,” making you feel like you’re in a silent competition.

This isn’t an accident. It’s a calculated move. By keeping their ex around (or at least keeping the idea of them alive), the narcissist creates insecurity in their current partner. They want you to work harder for their approval. To prove that you’re better. To chase the validation they dangle just out of reach.

“Narcissists look for leverage, not love,” McCabe explains. “If they can make you feel replaceable, they can make you feel even more powerless.”

3. An Ego Boost on Demand

A narcissist craves admiration, and what better way to get it than from an ex who still holds feelings for them? By breadcrumbing.

Every so often they’ll send the occasional “thinking about you” text, they’ll like an Instagram story, or they’ll reminisce about the old times—all in an effort to keep that person emotionally hooked to them. 

This ensures they always have someone who will pick up the phone when they need a hit of validation.

“You might wonder why their ex is still so available to them,” McCabe shares. “But remember, narcissists don’t end relationships with honesty. They end them with confusion, false hope, and the promise of ‘maybe someday.’ That’s why their ex sticks around.”

4. A Way to Avoid Accountability

Sometimes, a narcissist will keep an ex around as a way to gaslight you into accepting their manipulative behavior. If you try calling them out on an action that hurts your feelings, they can quickly bark back, “Well, you’re just insecure,” or “My ex never had a problem with this.”

This act of comparison makes their ex seem like a “perfect” partner in that they accepted their flaws. 

“The underlying message here is that they want you to keep quiet and constantly second-guess yourself,” says McCabe.

What You Can Do

If you’re in a relationship with someone who refuses to let their ex go, ask yourself:

• Is this normal?

• Is this healthy?

• Are they truly being transparent, or are they keeping their ex around as an emotional crutch?

The truth is, a healthy partner won’t need to dangle an ex in front of you to feel secure. They won’t use past relationships as weapons or safety nets. If your gut tells you something is off, listen.

“When it comes to narcissists, their ex isn’t just their past—they might also be your future warning sign,” expresses McCabe.

BRIANNA MCCABE discusses her experience with having dated a narcissist in her chapter, "The Stone-Cold Narcissist," of The Red Flags I've (Repeatedly) Ignored.