Why Do People Stay with a Cheater? The Psychology Behind Forgiveness
“If they really loved you, they wouldn’t have cheated.”
That’s often one of the first statements people hear when they reveal to their loved ones that their partner has been unfaithful—and they’re torn between whether to try and make it work or walk away.
After all, isn’t love supposed to be enough? Shouldn’t betrayal be a clear sign that the relationship is broken beyond repair? But love, relationships, and forgiveness are far more complicated than that.
Infidelity isn’t always black and white. For some, it’s a dealbreaker. For others, it’s a painful but necessary wake-up call—one that forces both partners to examine not just the betrayal itself, but the cracks that may have formed long before it happened.
So why do people stay? Why do some choose forgiveness over a fresh start?
According to Brianna McCabe, author of The Red Flags I’ve (Repeatedly) Ignored, the answers lie within human psychology, emotional bonds, and the way we define love.
1. Emotional Attachment and the Fear of Loss
Love isn’t just an emotion—it’s a chemical reaction. When we bond with someone, our brain releases oxytocin and dopamine, the same chemicals responsible for feelings of connection and pleasure. The thought of losing a long-term partner can trigger withdrawal-like symptoms, making it feel impossible to let go.
“For some, cheating is an automatic dealbreaker—there’s no coming back from that kind of betrayal,” shares McCabe. “But for others, it can be a wake-up call.”
According to the author, infidelity forces you to take a hard look at your non-negotiables, question whether the relationship can be rebuilt, and evaluate not just the betrayal itself but the deeper issues that may have led to it.
“This is where emotional attachment and fear of loss intertwine—many people stay because, despite the betrayal, they still feel deeply connected to their partner and fear the pain of severing that bond,” adds McCabe.
2. The Fear of Being Alone
Let’s be honest—leaving isn’t just about ending a relationship; it’s about starting over. And for many, that’s terrifying. The idea of reentering the dating world, sifting through some duds of dates, navigating another potential heartbreak or two, and facing life without the person you once saw as your future can feel overwhelming.
Sometimes, people stay not because they’ve fully forgiven, but because the uncertainty of what comes next feels even scarier.
“There’s a certain comfort in the familiar, even when it’s painful,” McCabe explains. "Walking away means stepping into the unknown, and that alone can falsely convince someone to stay."
3. Self-Worth Struggles and the Need for Validation
Infidelity can shatter self-esteem. Instead of blaming the cheater, many people internalize the betrayal, wondering if they weren’t attractive enough, exciting enough, or good enough to keep their partner’s attention. In an effort to “win them back” and take on a personal challenge, they stay—believing that if they can prove their worth, the betrayal won’t sting as much.
But here’s the truth: someone else’s actions don’t define your value.
“A lot of people stay because they want to rewrite the ending,” McCabe notes. “They want to be the exception, the one who made it work. But love isn’t a prize you earn—it’s a choice two people make, every single day.”
4. When Forgiveness Makes Sense
There’s a difference between serial cheaters and one-off mistakes. If your partner repeatedly lies, manipulates, and disrespects your trust, staying is a losing battle. But if the cheating was a single occurrence—one that stemmed from emotional disconnection, unmet needs, or a breakdown in communication—then healing may be possible if that’s what you choose to explore.
“If your partner has expressed for months that they feel neglected, unheard, or like the relationship is drifting, and you didn’t take it seriously, then their cheating—while still a betrayal—was a desperate response to a deeper issue,” says McCabe. “That doesn’t mean it’s excusable, but it does mean there’s room for understanding and growth.”
Rebuilding after infidelity isn’t about ignoring the pain, it’s about addressing the root cause. It requires both partners to take accountability—you for the role you played in the emotional distance, and them for choosing to step outside the relationship instead of confronting it directly.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, and staying doesn’t mean settling. Whether you leave or stay, the most important thing is making a choice that honors your self-worth, your happiness, and your future.
As McCabe shares, “You don’t have to stay, and you don’t have to leave—but you do have to decide whether this relationship is still the place where love can still grow.”
TO LEARN MORE ABOUT dating healthier and cultivating self-love, GRAB A COPY OF BRIANNA MCCABE’S SELF-HELP DATING BOOK, THE RED FLAGS I'VE (REPEATEDLY) IGNORED.